They are constantly late, change arrangements at the last minute, send angry messages and the children come home upset and it takes me ages to settle them again.
Sadly, this is a situation we hear about regularly. The relationship has ended but parents still have to communicate about day to day things for their children such as school,, holidays, medical appointments, weekends, after school clubs and so on.
Firstly, not every disagreement between separated parents is a legal issue. Parents will inevitably have different approaches to bedtime, homework, discipline, screen time and routines.
When the inconsistencies turn to unreliability, stress or an unworkable situation
If one parent is repeatedly late for handovers, cancels contact at short notice, refuses to communicate constructively or uses the children to pass messages between the adults, the situation can become extremely difficult.
Keeping a record of what is happening can be helpful. This does not mean documenting every minor disagreement, but keeping a factual note of significant incidents, missed arrangements or problems can help establish whether there is a genuine pattern.
Distinguishing being difficult to controlling
There is an important distinction between an ex-partner being difficult, unreliable or argumentative and there being domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse can take many forms, including physical violence, threats, intimidation and coercive or controlling behaviour.
If a parent is frightened of the other parent, feels controlled by them, or believes that they or the children are at risk, this needs to be treated as a safeguarding issue rather than simply a failure to communicate.
In those circumstances, getting appropriate legal advice is particularly important.
Does contact have to continue in exactly the same way?
Not necessarily.
There is no single arrangement that works for every family.
Depending on the circumstances, parents may agree different handover arrangements, communication methods or schedules.
For example, where direct communication is causing repeated conflict, communication might be limited to practical matters and kept in writing.
In some circumstances, supported or supervised contact may also need to be considered.
The appropriate arrangement will depend on the individual circumstances and, above all, the children’s welfare.
What if the other parent simply refuses to cooperate?
This is one of the most frustrating situations for parents.
A carefully agreed parenting arrangement is of limited practical value if one person continually refuses to follow it.
Where parents cannot reach agreement, mediation may sometimes help. A mediator does not make decisions for the parents, but provides an independent setting in which they can try to resolve disputes and reach their own agreement.
Mediation will not, however, be appropriate in every case, particularly if there are concerns about domestic abuse or an imbalance of power.
If arrangements cannot be resolved, the family court can become involved.
“Do I have to keep being flexible?”
Flexibility can be extremely helpful for children. But flexibility should not mean that one parent is expected to accept constant disruption.
A parenting arrangement needs to be realistic.
Parents may therefore want to agree practical details such as:
- Where handovers will take place
- What happens if someone is running late
- How much notice is needed to change arrangements
- How school holidays will be divided
- How parents will communicate
- What happens if a child is ill
The more that can be agreed in advance, the fewer opportunities there are for arguments later.
For a parent who feels exhausted by constant conflict, the answer is not to try harder, but may be to change the way the arrangements are managed.
That could mean clearer boundaries, written communication, mediation, a different handover arrangement or, where necessary, seeking a formal court order.
Separation is difficult enough for children without making them responsible for the adults’ disagreements.
The aim is not to create a perfect relationship between two separated parents.
Sometimes the realistic goal is simply to create a system that works, protects the children from unnecessary conflict and allows both parents to get on with their lives.
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