For families adjusting to life across two homes, creating a practical routine can be one of the biggest challenges following separation.
For separating parents, deciding where the children will spend Christmas or the summer holidays can be difficult enough, but sometimes the simple everyday arrangements are just as important.
When a couple separates, conversations about the children often focus on the big questions: where will they live, how often will they see each parent, and who will have them for Christmas and school holidays?
In reality, however, it is often the seemingly small details that cause the greatest friction.
Who does the school run? Who takes the children to football or netball practice? Who helps with homework? What happens when one parent is working late? And what if there is a school event on a day when the children are supposed to be staying with the other parent?
For families adjusting to life across two homes, creating a practical routine can be one of the biggest challenges following separation.
There is no automatic 50/50 split when co-parenting
There is no automatic rule that children must spend exactly 50 per cent of their time with each parent. Instead, arrangements should be based on what is in the child’s best interests.
For some families, a genuinely shared arrangement may work perfectly well. For others, it may be impractical.
Parents may live some distance apart, have very different working patterns, or have children whose school, friendships and activities are firmly based in one particular area.
A parent who commutes to London, for example, may find a 7.30am school drop-off difficult, while another parent may have more flexibility because they work locally or from home.
Then there are after-school clubs, sports, music lessons, homework and children’s social lives to consider.
A practical arrangement might involve children staying with one parent on certain school nights and the other parent having them for alternate weekends. Another family may find that several overnight stays during the week work better.
The important thing is to consider how the arrangement actually works in everyday life, rather than simply how it looks on paper.
So who does the school run or the after school clubs when you separate?
Parents should consider travel times, work commitments, childcare arrangements and the children’s own routines.
It can also help to agree what happens when something goes wrong. A child may become ill, a parent may be delayed at work or a train may be cancelled.
Having a contingency plan can prevent a minor problem from becoming a major argument.
Holidays can create a whole new set of problems
Once the term-time routine has been agreed, parents still need to consider school holidays.
Christmas can be particularly difficult. Both parents may understandably want to wake up with their children on Christmas morning, but there are only so many ways of dividing one day.
Some families alternate Christmas each year. Others divide the day between households, although this needs to be practical and should not leave children spending hours travelling between homes.
Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and school holidays can also require careful thought.
Agreeing arrangements well in advance can remove a great deal of uncertainty, particularly where parents have already experienced disagreements about dates or plans.
What if parents cannot agree on child arrangements after separation?
Not every separating couple will be able to reach an agreement themselves.
Where communication has broken down, mediation may provide a way for parents to discuss arrangements with the help of an independent mediator. It is not suitable in every family situation, but where appropriate, it can help parents focus on practical solutions rather than arguments about what is “fair”.
If agreement remains impossible, the family court can be asked to make a decision.
The court’s focus is the welfare of the child, rather than which parent feels they should have more time.
And what about what the children want?
As children grow older and become more mature, their wishes and feelings can become increasingly relevant.
That does not mean that a child simply gets to choose which parent they live with. However, an older child’s views about travelling between homes, attending school, maintaining friendships or continuing activities may need to be considered.
Putting the children first after separation
Separation inevitably brings change, but a predictable routine can give children a sense of security.
Knowing where they will sleep, who will collect them from school and when they will next see the other parent can make the transition between two households much easier.
The best arrangement is not necessarily the one that looks perfectly equal on a calendar. It is the one that is realistic, sustainable and puts the children’s needs at its centre.
For parents facing separation, perhaps the most useful question is therefore not “What am I entitled to?”, but “What arrangement is going to work best for our children?”
Sometimes, the answer to that question is as simple — and as important — as deciding who is doing the school run on Tuesday morning
This article was brought to you by Kidd Rapinet’s family solicitors. You can book an appointment with any of the family lawyers across our other offices in Aylesbury, Canary Wharf, Farnham, High Wycombe, Maidenhead or Slough, using the form provided. Please use the links provided to find more information on divorce or separation, child arrangements and other areas of family law.
These materials and content have been prepared for the benefit of their viewers/readers. They are intended for marketing purposes only and are of a general nature and do not constitute legal advice applicable to any particular facts or circumstances. Kidd Rapinet LLP and/or the author(s) accept no duty of care, responsibility or liability for any loss or damage which you or any third party may suffer as a result of any reliance or use by you or them of these marketing materials and content, except to the extent it is not legally possible to exclude such liability. If you require legal advice on your own situation, please contact us so we can discuss how we may assist.