When parents separate, one of the most emotionally charged questions is can our child decide who they want to live with? While your child’s views are considered in the UK family courts, they are not the sole deciding factor. Instead, the law prioritises your child’s welfare above all else.
How the Court assesses your child’s wishes
Under the Children Act 1989, courts apply a welfare checklist to determine what is in your child’s best interests. This includes:
- Your child’s wishes and feelings (considered alongside their age and maturity)
- Their physical and emotional needs
- The likely impact of any change in living arrangements
- The ability of each parent to meet their needs
- Any risks of harm
Generally, a child’s views begin to carry more weight around age 12, and by age 14–15, courts may place significant importance on their preferences. However, this depends on the individual child and the overall circumstances.
Tips for navigating a child’s wish to choose where they live
Whether you agree or not with your child’s preference, how you handle the situation can have a lasting impact. Here are some practical steps:
- Listen Without Judgement – allow your child to express their feelings in a safe and non-pressured environment. Avoid reacting negatively or blaming the other parent.
- Avoid Pressuring or Influencing – the court will be alert to signs that a child’s view may be the result of influence or loyalty conflicts. Respect their independence of thought.
- Consider Mediation or Child-Inclusive Mediation – a mediator can help both parents hear your child’s perspective in a neutral setting. In some cases, child-inclusive mediation allows trained professionals to speak directly with the child and feedback their wishes constructively.
- Stay Child-Centred – even if their preference is difficult to hear, try to keep discussions focused on what is best for them, not what is “fair” for either parent.
- Prepare for Court Involvement if matters escalate, CAFCASS may be appointed to speak to the child and provide a report to the court. Ensure your child feels heard—but not responsible for making the decision.
- Focus on stability – sometimes your child’s choice may be based on a short-term or emotional issue. Help them understand the long-term implications in an age-appropriate way.
While a child cannot legally choose where to live, their wishes do matter—and are carefully considered by courts alongside all other factors. The key is to support your child whilst also ensuring their wellbeing remains the focus of any decisions made.
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